we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
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I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
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There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
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