mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
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But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
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I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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