Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
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i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
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TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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