our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
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He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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