is your mom at the bar?
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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