You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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