Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
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Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
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...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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