Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize