I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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