I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
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I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
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I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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