So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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