Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
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I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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