Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
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"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
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That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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