I want to stick my p in your. b.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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