so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
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we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
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Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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