I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
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You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
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Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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