you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
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Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
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I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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