True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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