My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
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I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
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Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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