i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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