dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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