The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
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I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
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Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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