Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize