Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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