So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize