apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
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Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
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I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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