I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize