I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
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There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
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But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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