if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
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I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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