I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
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just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
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Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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