dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
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You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
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NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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