Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
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Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
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Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize