I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
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He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
40s are totally the cure
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I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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