dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
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her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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