she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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