made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
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Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
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How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize