I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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