i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
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Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
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We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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