Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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