we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
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I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
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I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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