I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
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Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
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I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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