I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
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My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
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What happened to fro yo and sex?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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