I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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