no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
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Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
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Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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