meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
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I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
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Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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