The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
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I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
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Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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