Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
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Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
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You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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