I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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