So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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