No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are going to name an STD after you.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize